I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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