The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
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Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
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I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
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