sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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