you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Randomize
