You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
