I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
my phone needs a breathalizer
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Randomize
