guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Randomize
