I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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