My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
