high people should be assigned attendants
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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