you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
