the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
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