I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
