why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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