Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
