i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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