this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
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in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
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I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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