I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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