The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
