Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
