i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
