If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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