if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top