Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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