hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
