My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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