After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
