I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
