Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
