i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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