I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
