my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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