Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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