Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
