Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
