I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
