But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
