All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
