I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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