i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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