I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
