I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
