A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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