I am midnight drunk by noon
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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