jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Randomize
