You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
