you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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