Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
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He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
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On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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