I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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