Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
