I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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