It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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