You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
