She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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