my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
