woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
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I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
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Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
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